How to Lose at Phase 10 and Win at Life
When I was a kid, I used to play the card game Phase 10 with my mom and my twin brother.
For awhile, it was one of our go-to games for the three of us, as it was relatively quick (as in, NOT monopoly, which we only played occasionally. Phase 10 can actually get pretty long.), set up was easy, and the game was fun.
If you’ve never played the game, let me give you a brief rundown:
Each round, ten cards are dealt to each person. The cards themselves are numbers between 1 and 12, and they also have different suit colors, a format reminiscent of Uno. Uno is simple—be the first to go out and end the game. Phase 10 is a little more complicated.
In each dealt round of the game, your goal isn’t simply to go out; you need to complete your “phase.” There are ten phases, ten objectives, that you must complete one round at a time. And you must complete your phases in order. So, in round one, every player is working to complete phase one. The round ends when someone goes out after completing their phase, but only those who completed the phase get to move on to phase two. If you didn’t complete your phase, you must do phase one while everyone else does phase two.
The game moves on like this through all ten phases, and the first person to complete Phase Ten wins.
Between the added strategic elements and the variety of the phases, I grew to enjoy this game even more than I liked other card games.
Indeed, Phase 10 is a lot of fun, but it can also get extremely frustrating.
One thing Phase 10 has in common with Uno—a large part of the game is luck in the cards you draw. And if you’re unlucky, in just a few rounds you can fall far behind super easily. Yes, it’s possible to catch up if you get your phase and those ahead of you don’t. Such wins have been known to spring from those slow-start situations, and that’s part of the game’s drama.
But if you’re perpetually unlucky, the game starts to lose its fun, as anticipation, enthusiasm, and competitive grit and determination give way to anger, frustration, and hopelessness.
Even if that description feels melodramatic, I think anyone who’s played Phase 10—no, anyone who’s played any card game or board game where luck is involved in gameplay—anyone can identify with these feelings!
Now, this is probably the part where you’re wondering, What’s the point? Why is he telling me this? Is Jered really wasting my time trying to reminisce about a card game he used to play?
No.
My point here goes far deeper than nostalgia.
You see, as I’ve gone through life, I’ve noticed in myself the same feelings I got while playing Phase 10. These same emotions manifest themselves not just in the phases of a game, but they’ve also haunted me through various phases of life.
The Phase 10 Life
Have you ever felt stuck?
I think we all go through seasons of life where we find ourselves in a rut of our own digging.
You hope it’s just a phase, you hope it’ll end soon, you hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you hope and hope and hope, but just as you think you have all the cards, the round ends, the game resets, and now you’re back at square one.
Or, back at Phase One.
Being stuck isn’t too bad when others are stuck with you. Many people, trapped in a dead-end job, find solace in the camaraderie between coworkers. But what if there’s no commiseration?
What happens when you’ve been stuck on Phase Three for five rounds while everyone else you know is on phases six, seven, and eight?
Let’s get personal.
Maybe you’re disheartened trying to work through your associates degree because all your friends are in grad school.
Maybe you’ve been passed over for a promotion at work, when you’ve been there the longest and worked the hardest.
Maybe you got your college “phase” quickly, but you’ve been stuck on landing the right career for your goals, dreams, and skillset.
Maybe it’s an income bracket. Maybe it’s being able to afford a car that won’t actually break down.
Maybe it’s figuring out what nutrition and exercise routine works best with your lifestyle so you can actually lose weight, be healthy, and stay healthy.
If you’re like me, maybe it’s struggling with being single when most of your closest friends and family members are married.
What is it for you? What “Phases” are you trying to accomplish in life? What expectations are making you feel “behind” in life?
I think we’ve all felt disheartened—maybe even ashamed—because we aren’t further along in life’s phases, just like we planned it.
I should be better by now.
I should be past this already!
Why am I so stuck?
Meanwhile, when your friends are stuck at what you perceive to be phase eight or nine on your list, it’s hard for you to be a compassionate, empathetic friend because you’re so lost in your own world, your own struggles, your own phases.
If your life identifies with anything I just described, I have good news for you.
Life is not a competition.
There are no “phases!” Phase 10 is only a game. Phase 10 is only as illusion as it relates to life.
The Application
There are important lessons we can draw from this.
One: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
You are living your own life, running a different race. You have a different set of obstacles. And even if your life seems comparable to your friend’s, let’s be real—just as there are details of your life that your friends don’t know about, there’s aspects of your friend’s life, deep struggles, that you may never know about.
Comparing yourself to others may seem helpful. Indeed, it’s not a bad thing to be inspired by how others have tackled life’s challenges.
But you are not them.
In the end, you should strive to be the best version of yourself you can be, and no amount of comparison can help you measure that.
Two: Be Yourself and Be Grateful for the Life You Have.
I can almost guarantee that the people you waste time envying envy something about you that you take for granted.
Be grateful for the opportunities you’ve been given! Be grateful that God made you the way you are. There is only one you! Only you have the exact personality, skillset, and life experience that you have. You are unique. Cherish that, and thank God for it.
You don’t need to be anyone else.
It’s okay to be dissatisfied towards certain areas of your life. And you may indeed grow beyond the phase that trips you up.
But don’t let that lack discourage you. Don’t let your perceived lack of progress impact your self-worth.
Your identity is secure in how God made you. No phase can give you value, and no phase can take your value away.
Three: Be Compassionate and Friendly Towards Those in Different Life-Circumstances
As much as you may want to make enough money to live on your own, you can still value the friendship you have with that one couple who just bought their second home. Sure, you may learn something from them, but they can also learn from you.
And if someone else feels stuck, you can identify with those feelings without comparing or compromising your own.
After all, there’s not hierarchy of phases.
Maybe their situation is vastly different from your own, but you can still identify and empathize with the common human emotions that bond you.
Here’s another example…
(Yes, I understand that this example over-generalizes certain groups of people, but I think the point is still relevant.)
If I’m single (which I am at the time of writing this), if a couple confides in me that they’ve been trying to have kids, but no matter how much they try they can’t seem to get pregnant, I have a decision to make on how to respond.
Now, couples, just in case you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be single, let me remind you. When you say, “We’ve been trying to have kids,” the single doesn’t automatically empathize. The single doesn’t automatically enter into your struggle and say, “Hey, it’s gonna be okay, let me pray for you.”
If we’re stuck in this Phase 10 mentality, when we hear you talk about how much you’re trying to have kids, singles immediately want to roll their eyes and think, “Thanks for reminding me that you’re a loving couple having lots of sex.”
When you’re stuck in the Phase 10 mindset, it’s easy to be selfish and make everything about yourself.
After all, if you’ve been stuck on Phase 4 for fourteen rounds in a row, it’s hard to empathize with someone who’s now on their fourth attempt of Phase 9.
But, if a couple bares their soul to me, I have a choice to make. I can go with the immature instinct to go back to the phases and make it about me, or I can remember that there is no hierarchy of phases, that everybody is on their own path, and everybody struggles with different things on their life journeys.
I can remember that I’m not entitled to any particular “phase” on any fictional timeline, as if God is obligated to give me the cards I want Him to give me.
I can choose to be mature, identify with my friends’ struggles in their common humanity, and I can have a better bond with them.
I can say, “I may not know what it’s like to be in your particular situation, but I know what it’s like to wait. I know what it’s like to worry about if your dreams will ever come to pass, and as a human and a friend, I will do whatever I can to help you through your season of struggle.
Yes, Phase 10 is a game, but life is not.
It’s okay to lose the game. It’s okay to ignore the written list of predetermined phases, phases build to harbor disappointment and bitterness.
If you want to win at life, forget the phases that imprison you with discouragement.
Instead, live every day grateful for the life God has given you, and in that gratefulness, love your friends without holding on to a competitive attitude.
When that spirit of competition and comparison loses, everybody wins, no matter what phase of life you find yourself in.
